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| Subject: | Interlude. |
| Time: | 10:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | Chernon ~ "I Wish it Was Over".. |
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I so totally get this woman.
From Burnt Toast, by Teri Hatcher, pg. 146
"I've always been a romantic. Even when I was a teenager, I'd go on a single date with a guy and the next thing you knew I'd be testing out the sound of 'Mrs. Teri Winklesmith.' My fantasy went right to marriage, and as we now know from the oven story, moving too fast can be dangerous. I never allowed myself to go slow and question and learn and be aware of what was happening. I had my Snow White fantasy, and I superimposed it on every relationship. Even if he obviously wasn't Prince Charming, it was easier and more satisfying to imagine that he was. I ignored the rough edges of our relationships, hoping that time and wishfulness would smooth them away. The result was that my relationships were more about the fantasy of love than the actual day-to-day experience of it. Whole romances fabricated out of air. I lost chunks of my life to those delusions."
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Something a little out of the ordinary happened this morning. I took Careen out for a walk this morning to pick up bagels for everybody for breakfast. That's not so out of the ordinary, because we do that every weekend. But on our way back, she had to pick up some dirt and get her hands all messy. So we stopped in the public bathroom downstairs to wash up before bringing the bagels to the kitchen upstairs. I know I should carry baby wipes with me everywhere. It's always whenever I take something out of my purse is when I need it the most. Like last week she got a splinter at the park, and I had just taken my tweezers out of my bag that morning.
Anyway, we washed up and threw our paper towels in the trash can. The cleaners don't work on weekends, so the garbage hadn't been taken out yet and was quite overflowing. On the very top of all the trash was a used pregnancy test. It was positive.
I just can't help my curiousity and wonder who this mystery woman is who is expecting a baby.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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It's either late at night or early in the morning; I'm not sure which. I can hear the crickets and cicadas out there, all so so so much louder than my air conditioner. I remember sitting outside on summer nights like this one with Caleb, and just being in love under a canopy of stars was enough.
Sometimes I can't stop myself from imagining for some white knight to come galloping up on his mighty steed and rescuing me. But Caleb is the one who needs saving. I thought I was strong, once. But I'm just not strong enough to shoulder all of his shitty issues. There's nothing I can do for him to help him stop carrying around all that pain.
I never thought I'd fall for such fragile and damaged men. I never saw myself in the role of the protector, the savior, the white knight. I have always known I was steady, but I always believed I'd find someone more so than I.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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So, when I was a little girl I had the fantasy of growing up to be the perfect bride, and then a stay at home mom with a house full of kids. Having a husband that worked 5 days a week and come home at five o'clock on the dot every evening when we'd all sit around the table and eat the dinner I'd spend all day making. Afterwards we'd help the kids with their homework and turn on the nite lites and put them to bed. Every Friday night he'd take me out on romantic dates. We'd have a very reliable baby-sitter who'd never be late. Sunday mornings we'd all sleep in, then we'd all go out for brunch in the afternoon.
All the while I was having this fantasy of my future children running up and down the stairs of the house, and sewing Halloween costumes, and volunteering for the PTA, and baking brownies for the bake sale, I neglected to imagine how it would all start. The beginning. How hard it is for beginnings. I guess I always thought I would just grow up and it would all be there, just waiting for me.
Here I am, a twenty-eight year old single mom, and I'm still waiting for my life to begin. The scary part is, I don't even know if I want that fantasy anymore. The scary part is, I think my life isn't complete without a man in it. The scary part is, I don't know what to fantasize about anymore. Not if it isn't that. I never bothered to come up with anything else.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 1st, 2004
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Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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I forgot I took this quiz. I bookmarked the results but never posted them for some reason. I can be strange sometimes.
You are a Pheonix.
What legend are you? Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 25th, 2004
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1. First Name: Mari
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope. Mom & Dad just liked the name.
3. Do you wish on stars? All the time, every night.
4. Which finger is your favorite? Thumb. It's the best place for rings.
5. When did you last cry? A week ago maybe?
6. Do you like your handwriting? Sure.
7. What is your favorite lunch meat? Probably ham. I love lunch meats.
8. Any bad habits? I bite my nails, and bite my lips.
9. What's in your CD player right now? One of Careen's kiddie CD's - "Disney Princess Lullabies"
10. Do you believe in soul mates? Not so much.
11. Are you a daredevil? I have my moments.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to? Never, not ever.
13. Do looks matter? Yes, but they're not everything - and rarely an indicator of anything.
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? I'm sure I have. I know I've mispronounced words, but used them correctly at least.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Doubtful. Has anyone ever found one?
16. Are you trendy? For the most part, yes.
17. How do you release anger? I usually keep my anger in, or try to turn it into something else. I'm learning that's not as healthy as I once thought.
18. Where are your second homes? Caleb's trailer. Mom & Dad's house where I grew up in Brooklyn.
19. Do you trust others easily? I think so.
20. What was your favorite toy as a child? my GloWorm.
21. What class in school did you think was totally useless? Study. Did anyone ever actually study during Study? Such a waste of time - I'd much have rather had an actual class.
22. Do you have a journal? Besides this one? Not anymore, I got rid of it.
23. Have you been in a mosh pit? Yeah.
24. What do you look for in a boy/girl? Kind eyes & silent strength
25. What are your nicknames? Caleb has a few endearments. Also, some some like to call me "Mariko," even after they find out that my name is *just* Mari.
26. Would you ever bungee jump? I don't see why not.
27. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Unless I'm too lazy, yes.
28 .Do you think that you are strong? A little too strong sometimes.
29. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? I can't eat ice cream.
30. What's your favorite color? Black and red
31. What is your least favorite food? There are so many limitations on my diet that I can't afford to dislike any of the foods I CAN eat.
32. How many wisdom teeth do you have? Two - got the top two out several years ago.
33. Are you in love with anyone? Yeah. On good days and bad days and inbetween days.
34. How many people have a crush on you right now? None that I'm aware of.
35. Who do you miss most right now? Ari
36. What are you wearing? mismatched socks, striped PJ pants & tank top
37. What are you listening to right now? Elvis Costello is performing on "Conan O'Brien"
38. What was the last thing you ate? Homemade potato chips
39. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Brick red
40. How is the weather right now? Cool, dark, and fall-ish
41. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Mom
42. Leave a last quote: "Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb." ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 24th, 2004
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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I couldn't resist taking this quiz. I wonder, could it be true?
Take the quiz: "How long will your relationship last?"
Wow! It was meant to be! Just hold on to it!
Congratulations! You have true love! Just don't let any one or anything stand in the way of it!
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I took this quiz three times. So I guess the answer must be accurate.
Take the quiz: "What Kind of Soul Do You Retain?"
Loving
You have a very warm and loving aura about your soul and believe in the virtues of Love. To you, there is a bright side to everything! You are the polar opposite of the Dark soul.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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I keep hoping that one morning I'll wake up and feel differently about my life. But how can I do that if I don't change anything about my life? I can't just expect it to all happen magically for me.
But in some ways, it feels like that's what happened to get me to ... this. I didn't do anything to change, and yet here I am ... completely and utterly and undeniably changed.
I keep telling myself, Caleb isn't so bad. He really can be pretty sweet sometimes. I'm pretty sure I do love him. Sometimes. He wouldn't stick around if he didn't love me, right? Why am I sticking around? Oh, because neither of us really have a choice. We have Careen. How ironic her name is -- it was the only one in the baby name he and I could agree on. Maybe it's because we both agree that our lives are careening downward and out of control.
Something about us just doesn't fit right. And I'm not just talking about the awkward way our bodies fit together when we make love.
We just don't belong together. We just don't.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 17th, 2004
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x=things ive done
[x] been drunk
[ ] smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[ ] kissed a member of the same sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[ ] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[ ] been in a fist fight.
[x] had sex.
[ ] had a threesome
[ ] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[ ] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[x] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[ ] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ]celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[x] been to europe.
[ ] skipped school.
[ ] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[ ] cheated on a bf/gf.
[ ] been cheated on. {that I know of ...}
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[ ] drove illegally.
[x] been in love.
Do you...
[x] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[ ] have a crush.
[ ] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[ ] hate yourself.
[x] think you're attractive.
[ ] have a dog.
[ ] have your own room.
[ ] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[x] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno.
[ ] listen to reggae/ska.
[x] paint your nails.
[ ] have more than one best friend.
[x] get good grades.
[x] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear underwear in general
[x] wear thongs.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[ ] cyber.
[ ] claim. {what?}
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair.
[ ] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.
Are you...
[ ] ugly.
[x] pretty.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[x] bilingual.
[ ] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[x] asian.
[ ] short.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[x] sick.
[ ] a virgin.
[ ] lazy.
[ ] single.
[x] taken.
[ ] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[ ] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die.
[ ] tired.
[ ] sleepy.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[ ] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x ] listening to music.
[ ] homophobic.
[ ] racist.
[x] missing someone
Well, that was pretty unexciting.... I guess it doesn't really help either that I've always pretty much been the "good girl."
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Monday, August 23rd, 2004
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That wasn't all, was it? My life depresses the hell out of me right now. Maybe it's better than it would've been, had I been able to carry my first pregnancy to term. That's what I keep thinking about, and I don't know why. Because the main difference here is that I'm not single. I've got Caleb and I don't know if I really want him.
I feel so guilty for saying that because it isn't really what I mean at all. I hadn't anticipated him at all. I still think back to the day I saw him eating a powdered doughnut at the diner and I walked by and wiped his face with his napkin and introduced myself. Could I be that bold now? Could I ever be that bold again?
I just wanted to date him. I never thought that two years later we'd be shacked up with a kid. But I keep telling myself that this life has got to be better than being a single mom. That everything in life has a reason. And that I miscarried Mercy for a reason, that I wasn't supposed to have her for a reason. Maybe that reason was supposed to be so I could have Caleb instead. I doubt I would have met him if I'd had a kid at the time, and I'm positive that even I had, he never would have dated me.
And now we have a baby together, and I have no clue how that happened. And now we both feel like we're stuck. Probably because we are.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 20th, 2004
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I reread my entry from last night, and it's so depressing. I've been thinking a whole lot of things today. Those thoughts were depressing too.
I was thinking, I was sure a whole lot happier back when I was pining for Prince.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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Caleb and I are watching the Olympics.
Well, I don't know if that's really what's going on. I'm sitting on one end of the couch, he's sitting on the other. He's got a notebook out, and I've finally figured out I shouldn't ask him what he's writing while he's writing. Or even talk to him.
And I used to think it was so sexy to date a writer.
Careen is asleep in her playpen.
The Olympics are on TV.
I noticed that the male swimmers are all clean-shaven. Their entire bodies are, I mean. I wonder why that struck me. Maybe because they're more shaved than I am right now.
Maybe I do think it's kind of sexy. Very sexy.
I can't believe Careen is walking with assistance already. I don't think it's normal. She's barely seven months old. She can't even get herself into a sitting position yet. But all she wants to do is stand up and walk away.
Not much else is going on. I'm not really sure why I started this journal in the first place.
Boredom. Jealousy. Fear. Connection. Just because I can.
I haven't been feeling like myself at all lately.
I lied. Plenty is going on. Just not right here.
Okay, I've been thinking non-stop about Ari the past couple days. It's all too much to take in. First he gets engaged out of nowhere. And then he has to go do something dumb.
I wonder if I'm just angry that my little brother got married before me.
I wonder what I'd do if Caleb proposed to me.
I don't fantasize about marriage much anymore.
Not if it means more nights like him sitting on end of the couch, me on the other.
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rubymariposa's journal
curious.
awake.
rushed.
bored.
amused.
mischievous.
calm.
drained.
surprised.
crazy.
melancholy.